Dear Everyone,

Today, I come to you not as a humble teenager with an unstable head. I come not to spout out arcane nonsense and irrefutable pain. In the midst of all that has gone on, and amongst the nonsense that has enveloped me, that I don’t regret to call my life, I have found peace and happiness. Not flawlessness, not perfection, but happiness. Recently, work has slowed down just enough to allow me to jump back on the stream for a bit, I’m not sure how long, but for a little bit, and I was amazed, shocked and sickened by how the world had changed around me.

Now that I’m walking in the sky and heaven holds hands with me, I find that one of God’s favorites has been rejected by all of those she took in. (And here you thought I never read other people’s Blogs) Well. It took a while, but I read all that has happened since I couldn’t sleep last night.

I come back on as an encouragement to others that my feel hopeless. Not that my life is without drama. In fact, last night I gave my girlfriend an eviction notice that I’m sure will eventually lead to breakup. We just have our incompatibilities, our own faults that make us dysfunctional. Tension has been nose-high between us and is so thick you could probably roll it up and smoke it. I’m going to avoid playing the blame game though sense recently my forms of venting have been rather childish, and I want to keep the peace in mind, not starting a battle of wits and reason with myself.

Our story was an odd one; much like Mr. Brightside by the Killers. We tried to work things out, both of us not wanting this to blow up in both of our faces. But it did anyway, nine months later. My only regret is that what once I never saw as part of my existence is now entirely too easy for me to get. Sex, conversation, a girl’s number, Yeah, I used to be terrified by people, now I’m just not. I’m not easy and sleazy by any means, but I have hit two home runs between my two lovers.

I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen. Last night was the first really big fight that Kari and I had. Fights happen, I know that’s no reason to say game over and kick your lover out. But things have been tense between us for about four months now, and honestly, I’ve been trying to get out for four months. My intuition says this is all wrong and she is desperately seeking my lifelong affection. She’s a really good girl and one day will make the guy looking for her type, very, very happy.

She’s been pressing for marriage sense month two, and has receptively but reluctantly accepted my nay-saying. She says now that we know everything there is to know about each other, but the problem is that marriage is not about trusting who the person is, because people are constantly changing. You can’t trust a person for who they ARE. Two years ago I hadn’t been kissed and now I’m living with my girlfriend. Mrs. Hope is now living God-knows where after spending a month in her car! Hark, change isn’t always bad, it can be for the better, but honestly I see myself becoming someone that isn’t about her, and I see her trying to turn me into something I’m not.


Also, I’m afraid that spiritually I can be misleading. Kari was terrified of me going to hell for my Ex-Pagan ways as well as many of my friends. I still find covert ways of practicing from time to time. I know this won’t exactly contribute to the peace of mind of so many people, and I don’t think that this is about rebelling against God; I just think that my mind interprets The Divine differently than what mainstream society does.

Regardless, I know that I am doing the right thing. These are trying times for me, but honestly I’m not saying that for pity. When I say things will get hectic, everyone should tell me to join the fucking club. They will be, but I’m alive, I’m well, and happier than I have ever been in my life, and I know that this happiness is not a conditional of weather someone holds my hand or not. Weather through Myself or “Magic”, “Divine”, “God,” “Goddess” “Dave,” whatever it is that you like to call the spiritual being that empowers us all through Decently, Love, Fairness, and Hope, I have blessings abound. My Barns are full to the brim. My drink flows freely, and I’m glad that I have the opportunity to share the blessings of my harvest.

Blessed be One and All I hope you hear from me again.

Greetings to all that may still read this blog, and likewise, greetings to those whose curiosities pulled them this way. Last night, was my last night at my house, I am now officially living with my brother and his roommate/boyfriend. I pay rent, buy my own food, everything else is covered. I had a big party last night with all of my friends including a few unexpected.

Everything was good. It went perfectly. Drink flowed freely, milk, water, juice, and soda were the main consumed goods, but throughout the party, a mere beer, two country cocktails, and about three shots of whisky were taken among us. Needless to say, not a binge party, it wasn’t that kind of party, it wasn’t planned that way, I just wanted to have a surplus of everything. But the only thing I have a surplus of, ironically enough was alcohol.

I went all out, and I think it’s safe to say that I have found my most possessive vice… Entertaining my friends. The whole thing was amazing, the looks in their eyes when I brought the pizza, opened the fridge to see my plethoric cornucopia of beverages, I even had three-hose hookah there, which was probably the piece of the party that got the most attention.

Yes, I bought a hookah, which I use for tobacco ONLY. The purchase of the hookah is a funny story it itself. I have become attached to a hookah lounge that recently opened in Joplin. 12:51 as they call it. I always thought smoking was a complete turnoff, but if there was ever a classy way to use tobacco, the hookah is the way to go. It’s a water bong is what it is, but it produces a very smooth smoke, using a highly flavored malted, honey-coated tobacco. The tobacco is cooked in the bowl, aluminum foil is over it, the coals are placed on the top.

The scent of tobacco is not only, not disgusting like cigarettes, but actually has a sweet aroma. And because the tobacco is baked and smoked as a mist, not set on fire, an asthmatic can be sitting right next to three people smoking all at once and it doesn’t agitate their symptoms. It’s a very social thing actually. First off, the hookah is actually a very artistic device that just by itself provokes conversation. Since it doesn’t make the room and everyone/thing in it smell like crap, and doesn’t irritate non-smokers, everyone can and does just sit and talk around this thing.

Anyway, I like this thing. I don’t plan on making it a habit, but I will not deny I like it. Aside from smoking, there was lost of music. I even swing-danced with Ashley! There was lots of video games, and movies, and pizza and candy, and chips, all under a very relaxed, very amusing, and very sober atmosphere. I think it was perfect in every way.

I made sure that everyone was with someone. It’s the “Entertainer’s” job to create an enjoyable atmosphere, but the guests, if the atmosphere is well put together, usually “Entertain” themselves. But if people become restless, or if there are drifters without accompaniment, that’s when the entertainer steps in, makes sure that they at least have someone to talk to, and finds out if/why they’re uncomfortable and does their best to resolve it. In layman’s terms, being an entertainer is like being a servant and a sheepdog at the same time, only your guests, are or should be or, or at least hopefully are smarter than sheep.

I held the party together from 8:00pm-2:00am, and what was funny is the fact that I take entertaining so seriously, but I had so much fun doing it at the same time. I think I at last know what I want to do in life besides write and climb up a career latter. Because what are you going to do with the returns and rewards of responsible and productive lifestyle? Especially if you don’t have “A Significant Other.” I think I have finally found my social forte. Isn’t life Beautiful?

Also, another odd thing was, when I was planning this party, I was inviting people in bulk, I wanted it to be big, 10 out of 15 people made it. I was talking about the party to Ashley, and Jennifer, Katrina’s sister (I Run into a lot of Jennifers, I’m sorry) was with her, and I casually extended an invitation to her. Jennifer and I talked some, laughed and joked together, but since they are so far away, and Katrina and I’s relationship was over, I had very little alibi to make it over there.

Although Jennifer and I talked and joked occasionally, the fact was I was dating her sister, and I didn’t spend a lot of time with her. I know that she told me that I was, quote, “The best boyfriend Katrina dug up” but I had no idea that she actually liked me as a person too. We talked quite a while, and both took our turns on a soap box discussing how disappointed we were with her sister. All this started when Katrina called during the party.

We also just name-dropped talked and she actually is the kind of person that I could easily become decent friends with. She reminds me a lot of myself in many ways, putting her pride in her intelligence and ambition, rather than harebrained things. I did enjoy our time where it was one-one with each other. We both have our frustrations about the situation and it did both of us well to get them out. I was just surprised she called. I told her that I was having a party and I uninvited her after a spat about a week prior to it. I called her at her parties just to make sure she was okay, when she parties, she and everyone else binges and gets into all manner of exploitation and mischief. Stephanie, at my party drank the most and all she had was three shots of Whisky over a course of time.

I know why she called though, her loser friends were having a band practice and apparently things got so intense that she decided she better cool off by getting to some homework while they rocked out. She asked me if things were crazy because everyone was having a ball behind me. Half of them were chanting, “Hang up!” as I left the room. I told her no, that’s not what this party is about, in fact, I’ve only had a wine cooler, Stephanie just had a shot of whisky, her boyfriend popped open a beer and is now smoking on my hookah. That’s all the drinking that’s gone on so far.” (11:00pm)

She said that she was in town, and I replied, “I know. Aren’t you Kyron and Josh’s ride?” (Believe, me, if one of those fuck-faces would’ve come a mile within of my house, I would’ve pummeled their asses back to Purcell.) she told me to have fun.

We had a good time, and I actually want to hang out with Jennifer more, she seems like a cool person. And just to clarify things, I’m not thinking about starting things up with us. That’s a can of Drama that I’m not going to crack open any time soon. But regardless, I think it’s safe to say that this party was a big hit and heavily await the opportunity to form another!

.....Are we Still Friends? I feel like you never want to do stuff with me or talk to me on the pone....

Katrina

(A Reply will come Soon, I cannot fit my response in 160 characters if I were allowed that folded that eight times.)

When I disappeared from the world of blogging for a short time, I did so because I entered a dream. I’m so chopped full of thought I don’t know what to think right now, I am hurting and I have no idea why. And yet it is very clear. I know of a reason why I hurt but I likewise know that the source of my pain is silly, illegitimate.

It actually has nothing to do with Katrina; I’ve cut down on contact with her because she has become someone I would not want to be with to save my life. I wish that in lieu of my happiness that we shared together I had failed to archive it. This is My Black Book. This world is the worse of me. This is where I come to throw up. This is my grave where I chuck all that I dislike about me away. This is my inside that I must never allow to scourge the ones I love.

Katrina and I were very happy together, all was well. When it’s Sunny, I play outside. When it’s raining this is where I come to. A few days from now, I’m going to get my STD test results in. I know that I have to do this to protect my future Love. No way will I jeopardize her safety, even though we took no risks other than the act itself.

I feel myself occasionally falling in and out of a playful romance. Sometimes I think that I’m simply incapable of just being friends with a girl and it’s kind of annoying. I often wonder why that metamorphosis stage is so hard for me to reach. I’ve gotten the petty introductions. I put on a pretty prideful face, but on the inside I still wonder about things.

One thing that I know sounds badly, but it is good is that I know that I have not lost touch with my innocent side. Katrina told me I’d lose it; I think that was just her way of making excuses for herself. I for one possess a bigger heart than a Dick, and maintain my contentment in a simple embrace. I for one have not accomplished a fortieth of what I would like to do, but if I were to die tonight, I feel I’d go in peace. I do know what it’s like to have that affection cycle back into you. That was where the magic happened.

I often wonder if I changed my appearance if I would have more appeal. Why do I feel so hot and So Attractive when I dress Gothic? I just don’t feel that way when I look normal. Which, unfortunately is about 80% of the time? I recently let my mom read some of my love poems, including the ones of more sexual nature and I asked her if I had a twisted, sick perception of it, and she told me that I was actually quite elegant. I don’t know if that is the appeal of many others, I’ll be the first to say that my mom isn’t a good standard to weigh sanity on, but she is a wonderful person and mother, so it wouldn’t matter to me either way.

I must admit I was anticipating more feedback, I certainly don’t aim for kicks, but it feels weird when for once in your philosophical history you aren’t being rhetorical and the crickets resound your spiel. But that’s okay. I don’t do this for you, I do this for me.

I feel all this potential brewing me, but at the same time, I often think I’m not taking time for the things that actually matter to me. Fifteen hours a day Monday through Friday, all week every week makes the bill collectors and bank happy, but right now my work ethic doesn’t seem to be doing much more than maintaining my muddled existence. I don’t get a long very well with people at work. It’s not a Hostility thing, it’s just a matter of age brackets. Most of these people have children older than me, I’m the only one in the class that doesn’t have a kid. I’m the only one in class that doesn’t wear a ring.

I have a feeling I’m going to fall into the position where I’m either going to have to accept the fact that chances are very low that my Future Love and I will have kids not by my own flesh. I know that this is immature of me, but as of now, I had a hard enough time accepting that Katrina constantly wallowed in not having Kyron around, I told her that if she started seeing him again we would die. She promised me not, but low and behold I’m right again. I’m always right, and it’s always about the most wrong things and I hate it. But I had a hard enough time with that.

Again, I know this is very selfish and immature of me, but my first thoughts regarding importing children into my life are, “I don’t want some other guy’s over-grown wad of semen crawling all over me.” And then will come to the time in life where the child would refuse to call me dad simply because I was not the man that stuck his mother. No matter what I would do, they would not see as someone to love that way, simply because I was not at the right place at the right time.

It’s really annoying when the most important person in the world to you is going nowhere but down, everyone in the world around you is going forward, and you’re going up. It’s frustrating because I am VERY happy with my jobs, I’m VERY happy about going to school, but I want to be more to someone than a “Good Worker” I want to be more than “Good at my Job”

I put on a very prideful act, but underneath this mask there is more than a man, there is an Idea, and Ideas are bulletproof. My spirit cannot be crushed by defeat or rejection, there is not enough pain in this world to subdue me. No one is going to hold me down, but a deeper part of me wants more. If I could trade my job for a Loving girl, I’d do it, but thankfully, economics haven’t gotten that primitive, yet.

I’m trying to think, because looking back at what I just wrote, makes me feel rather strong, but looking directly above makes me feel so weak. I know how to get in that relationship now. I could go out and dig me up another one just like it, give me three months. But the beautiful and wonderful thing about my personality is that I will not settle for another “Just like it.” No! this one will be better. I will not settle for greater than or equal to. Only better will do. I don’t mean the person, I mean the material of the love itself.

I think back now, and I know that what we had was superficial. I REALLY felt it, but as is true with a chain is true with Love, we were only as strong as our weakest link. Our weakest link was her self-destructive behavior and her complete and total lack of contentment. I bought her Roses, We kissed, I took her places and we made beautiful love, but she found a hole in it because she wanted more.

(Which reminds me, Ash, I’ve got to get you Into the Woods. You’ve heard of it I Recall, but I’m going to let you borrow it! See you Sunday! ^_^)

I figure what’s best for me, what I’ve got to do is just take some time from the drama, and re-evaluate if I’m even compatible in a relationship at all. I guess my biggest weakness is that I don’t like being compared to other people, which everyone I’ve ever gotten close to has done, and I’m not very crazy about children.

I wonder how come I have such an easy time accepting commitment. Most couples aren’t devoted to each other, nine out of ten men say it’s impossible, but I can do it, I did do it, but I have such a hard time with such strange things. A good friend of mine once told me, “Ryan, you’re so Smart, you’re going to go places, you’re going to climb the latter, become head of some major company, or build your own, and you’re going to be the most eligible bachelor in the cooperate office. You’re going to have nice young girls crawling all over you and you won’t look bad as an older person because you look so young now.”

In theory I guess that should have been a more flattering comment, but at the time I wanted to stab either myself or them. I guess right now the best thing for me to do is bide my time, think about things, Date girls, but not have any obligations or commitments. (In other words carry it no further then dinner and a movie.) and see what happens.