Well, how is everyone on the stream tonight, welcome to my daily rant, my daily life. Today was a nice day, work was busy enough to make time go, but was not overbearing. That’s always a nice place to have the scales. Sometimes, when business is too bullish, you can feel like a matador taunting four bulls in place of one, or you just down right feel like a rodeo clown.

So really, how are you, world? How are you, people? You KNOW how I am, but how are you? Truly, I wish I had time to read up on you guys, but even with my existing internet connection, I only get ten hours a month, but it’s free so the price is right! I guess so often we get so caught up in saying what we feel that we never sit back and enjoy the music, enjoy our lives, or at least contemplate them.

I really wish I could get in my head and re-arrange my chemistry to just not care about women. I’m listening to piano right now, an artist known as Jim Brickman. Music is so beautiful, so relaxing…(sighs) So, what do I know? Not a lot, I’ll assure you. Somewhere around twenty-something worth of Blogstream pages and all it is; is this vicious cycle.

Here I am, babbling like a fool. I feel intoxicated, but I’m not. It feels like it in the head but I can see clearly, I think clearly, and I certainly am typing clearly, but I feel so warm, despite the fact that it’s cold here. Here I am, wishing that my break was over just to see a girl named Larie… How funny. This is the last bulk days off I’ll have in over a year, being that most bosses are reluctant on giving employees weeks off during their first few months.

I wonder if she thinks of me, like I do her. I feel so old… I’m graduating this year. I’m about ready to learn that everything I thought I knew doesn’t even matter. Well, I ALWAYS knew that, but maybe at last I will be able to COMPREHEND it. Then, the big question: “What now?” not asked out of insult, but inquiry. What does happen now. Move out, live on my own ROCK ON!!!!”

Uhh… the apartment. Its nice…it’s quiet. Neighbors can be loud on occasion. So, how do I meet people now. We’re never really in an environment that encourages social activity. The Bar? The Clubs? Church? Nope, not church; I’ve tried that. I guess my little boat’s just about ready to change the fishing spot; which is more than fine with me.

Then, there is one girl. Her name was wind. We both loved each other, but something or someone put an end to that. Which is why next year, I’m going to go to her school and see if I can find her; If Larie doesn’t work out. If I am with Larie, or someone else, I won’t bother, but if loneliness still has its grips on me, I hope I can revive or at least open the door on what I once had with Wind. (See the Article “Wind”)

Sometimes I often wonder what would things be like if they hadn’t have changed. I can guarantee you, if things worked out with Tiffany, I promise you, I would have me a fiancée right now. Goddamn it, I loved her. In fact, It was in my intentions to propose to her the spring break of my Junior year. I even had a ring picked out. I had the money to get that ring, but the middle of my sophomore year landed the coup de grace on that one. Just as the fire had slowly worked its way up, ever so slowly, so it died, ever so slowly.

Watching it grow was beautiful…Like watching your daughter leave for her first date, like watching your son ride a bike without training pedals; I know how that feels. It was beautiful, but watching it die was like watching a cancer whittle and erode away the body of a loved one.

But yes, at one time, Anthony Casimire was that close to getting his dream. Then, there would’ve been no Jenny, no Blogstream, no Black Book even. No teddy bear, no Wind, no Larie, no Regret. I guess the true definition of heaven is being happy and single at the same time. If you could learn to love yourself, my God, that WOULD be a trip.

Why do I feel so old? I’m only 18!! I feel ancient though. One month in my mind is like years in this world. I picture Larie and I in the photo booth a lot. It’s a very charming feeling. A feeling in itself that brings warmth and hope. Tomorrow, there will be sun.

As many of you know, recently I’ve got the internet, so now I can post more immediately. First off, I’d like to apologize to Monsterbox for using a gift for such ill purpose, it is a thing that many of us do with our lives. No downloading, or even sites were visited, just searches. I still intend to use the internet to keep up with this blog, but I can wield an impressive arsenal and variety of weapons and use them effectively, but the internet a flail that I cannot use without an immense amount of security.

It is for these reasons that I must post than leave, immediately. Loneliness + Opportunity can equal much trouble, trouble that is entirely too easy to find. It’s the Story of Posters, and as of now, I seem to have a little glimmer of hope, and I don’t want to screw that hope over, I want to be the best man for her that I can possibly be, and that involves nothing of the sort of what came up on my screen a few hours after Monster and Emily went to off.

I don’t know why things that wreck our lives so badly can still be a weakness of our own, but I will have nothing more to do with these pursuits. My mind and my hearts mind do too much battle; I shouldn’t be making this worse. Sometimes, just going with it can be so easy, I’m sure that people are reading this thinking, “Big Deal, Anthony, it’s not like you raped someone!”

I have come to expect much from myself, I have kept my standards high, and I’m not cutting any slack anytime soon. God deserves better, Larie deserves better, I deserve better. Sometimes the Pictures can just make so much sense sometimes. The darker side of me sometimes says, “They never seen nor treated me like a person, what’s wrong if I return the favor?” It’s like the ultimate form of mutual defamation.

One throws out everything, the other takes everything, but leaves nothing. The taker in the end is left with something he can never have… Regret. Both parties walk away empty handed; but that’s okay because they never really had anything in the first place…What a sad state of affairs, and I regret to say for a second that I was part of it.

To end this I’m just saying that I need prayer in this manner, and I feel almost vulgar to use Larie’s name in such a post, because that is not who I am. That is not how I see her, this is not what I wish to do with my life; and I deserve a good chewing for this. I want to apologize to Monster for using a gift for an enemy, and he has my word that I will not do it again. Thank you.

Your Faithful Servant,
Anthony Casimire

Yes, I have internet. No ,more waiting on school or trips to the Library. I'll Update more often Now!!!!

Well, Hello there my Fellow Bloggers. I am pleased to say that my Spring Break hasn’t left me disappointed. Sunday Night, Monster and I watched “The Ring.” I had never seen it before, and I must say the movie was beautiful, and it is with great anticipation I await my chance to see the sequel.

I like the Psychological horrors. Comical and ironic violence and gore can be funny, but movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre and the Saw series are just sick glorifications of it. The Ring was very, Very different, and I liked it a lot. I also heavily enjoyed the Sixth Sense. Ironically enough had Monster’s brother called about twenty minutes later than what he did, he would’ve called right at the end of the movie, and I would’ve wet myself.

What’s even funnier was again today, I watched “The Ring” as in the video on the movie; the movie within the movie. As that movie ended, my phone rang, and I creped up to and picked it up. Suddenly, I find myself talking to a Marines Recruiter. He said, “Are you okay? You don’t sound too happy to hear me.” Sparing myself immediate embarrassment, I just told him I stayed up late, and had just awaked.

Anyway, we got to talking. He wants to help me pay for college, and I’m looking down at a paper and there is a picture of a woman holding a sign with the numbers of casualties in Iraq on it. Regardless, I’m bored and he said that he’d like to talk and take me out to lunch, so I went ahead and accepted his invitation. I really have considered using the army (or Marines) to help me pay for college, but that is definitely last resort.

A big problem is that I am wise, but scholastically, I’m average. Nothing a college is going to go out of its way to have me in their doors. There are scholarships and that kind of crap, but lets face it…My priorities are Freedom first, then education. If the Army or Marines are willing to make me increase my muscle mass by 20%, shave my head, and turn me to a grunting manly, potential Ace AND get me Smarted too, why not?

Hey, I’m going to be honest with guy, and as morbid as I can be on occasion, for this country or not, for the better good or not, I don’t care if I’m right, it’s not in my intentions to harm a person or bask in the ability to do so. I know the army isn’t about killing; it’s about protecting, but let’s face it. State guardsmen OR hey, “This guy has been in the fricken MARINES!!!!” Choose your bullet sponge… Anyway, it is with great consideration that I do anything, including this, especially this.

I guess a lot of this depends on where I am relationally. If I find a girl, I’m not going to be putting myself in any situation where I might get shipped and shot around like that. That kills women…I’ve heard them, and it terrifies them. But then again, right now, I seem to be seeing a light at the end of a tunnel, but for all I know, I could be a fly, and that bright blue light could be a bar of heat just waiting to zap the ever living shit out of me.

As much as I want to find someone, and as good as things are looking now, I’d still say the possibilities are somewhere between “Yeah; Right” and “Fuck You.” I do not plan on chasing women for a while if this thing with Larie doesn’t work out. But anyone knows that all it takes is a pretty girl to look at me with a small amount of intrigue with a hint admiration and I’m sunk, won over, Head over Feet. Hopefully I won’t have to do that, I only plan for the better, because I like what I see in Larie. There is something promising in this, and it taste different than my last attempts.

Who knows, this guy may look at me, see that I’m 5’3, and 103 lbs, my Christ-like hair, and say, “You’re buying for yourself, man”

They Say absence lets the heart grow fonder, God, I hope that’s not just on my side. I don’t know how that works, but it kills me that my mind is running with this so uncontrollably. I feel like an aged and jaded school teacher trying to calm down a 14-year-old boy with ADHD. For three nights, I’ve dreamed of her, and I often daydream.

Some dreams I have no idea why I have, because they would never become a reality unless I married her, and I don’t even know her. Then, some are innocent and charming. The Photo booth being one of the innocent nature, taking pictures together, one just being funny, one of us kissing, one with my arms around her while I stand behind her kissing the side of her neck, another with her arms around my chest and her kissing mine. I dream that dream with every girl that ever captures my heart’s eye. Then, I had a dream that she was wearing a mellow pink shirt with black jeans, (Which is something she would wear) and she ask how she looks and I grab a pink hat with black trim, a cowgirl hat, or one of those Jazzy-era hats that the girls would wear.

I Remember these dreams, and when I watch that dumb kid ricocheting off the walls with excitement, than I remember how it feels to be that teacher that knows so much more than that dumb kid, but all the knowledge within this teacher doesn’t add a speck of glimmer to his existence. The Kid continues to run around, ignoring and blowing off a realistic approach or containment of his wild and affectionate behavior. The world in my mind has begun to construct and rise from the ashes as it always does, and it makes me feel…Rain.

Well, back from the recruiting office…They are almost definitely charismatic. The funny thing was that I didn’t get any food. They took me to the office, had me take a mini ASBAB test, and then gave me a list of traits that I needed to succeed in order from least to greatest. Most of my top ones centered on being decisive and bold. That is one thing I definitely learn from the Marines, and he told me how hard it would be to get into college even with roommates and a REAL job.

By the end, he was rather disappointed that I had not come to a full conclusion. I can’t help it; I don’t even think I’m marine material. I mean, it isn’t that I don’t believe in myself, but it’s just the fact that this, buddy system, this, all for one type of thing just isn’t me. I don’t want to go get my physicals, I don’t want to share showers, I don’t want to get my balls grabbed, I just don’t have this, “One of the guys mentality.”
Hey, I know free college is a good thing, but I’m sure that there are all kinds of hidden 22’s. Chances are that I’d hate everyone there anyway. Here are all these people…they looked so predictable. Mostly Goth-wannabes with Jean-co huddies with skeleton jesters and eight balls. I know this type… Not saying that I am better because it’s an issue of compatibility.

It’s really not my style either. I’m a hippie, I’m a sap, I like to use my mind to fox around. I really don’t have the mind that convinces itself that I need other people. He talked about some things, and the fact that he quoted me was really funny. He talked about the difference between Surviving and Living, and my top quality was courage and joked about my luck with women.

I tried to in roundabout ways show him that I really wasn’t the material that he was looking for. I like my Privacy, I don’t wall myself in anymore, but I’ve had to bunk with a large group of guys, and it isn’t fun. It would be a privilege to call it hellish. I even used references from novelists, philosophers, and some of my own insight, yet he was determined and unfazed.

I’m trying to decide if he was onto me, or if he was just desperate. I’m still thinking, the knowledge that I would be a Marine and have free college would give me a reason to puff up my ego some, but at the same time, it’s like trying to teach a ninja how to do sumo. Just feels unnatural and empty; so very bitterly pointless. Like Rain.

If I didn’t have Larie in my mind, chances are, I probably would’ve agreed on the spot. It was…because of her that I didn’t say yes. The form of my lips to agree had taken shape when suddenly, I say those pretty little eyes, and that smile. Somehow, I knew at that moment that if I told this man that I would work my ass off, and in return he’d pay for my college, that the last time I’d ever see Larie would be May 12. I feel Rain. Then I know that Larie and I have just met, and that the only opportunity I would have to be with her would be this year, and that if I went off to boot camp, there would be no Larie, just me and “The guys.”

Then I have to remind that Child that Larie is no guarantee, just a phase. I don’t know why, but for some reason, my mind has only come to two conclusions. The first one is that I feel like everyone’s fool. The second one is that a splinter of someone that could be is not going to be a fun thing to deal with in these days to come. All I know is that if the first one is the case, I’m doing my little dance, I’m juggling, I’m telling my best jokes, and in return I better get my fucking quarters. If something does some of this, it will be strange.

People these days don’t really bother with making “going out” official. It just kind of…happens. I have had enough rain; I want the sun to come out. The love I seek cannot merely come on a basis of big muscles and confidence. As long as you feel comfortable with taking your pants off, you can fuck whoever you want. Real love has very little to do with how you feel or how she feels, it’s how you feel together. It’s about finding the perfect dance partner.

I believe I stated this, but just to confirm that I did, This week is Spring break, so my blog will be pretty inactive. I plan on getting to the Library on Tuesday or whenever I have an off day, (Or day off… ) but anyway, I will update at the public library. I think it’s kind of sad, I’m happy it’s Spring Break, but I just started good talking with a girl that five days ago smiled at me, and within two days talked to me and got her name. This seems to be coming together quite nicely!

I’ve been keeping my mom up on how things are going; she seems to be very enthusiastic. She knows that this place dampens my morale, so at every given opportunity, she’ll make a molehill of good into a mountain. She thinks that all this was premeditated by these goofy girls. She said, “Well think about it, her friend sat by you guys about a week ago, five days ago, she smiled at you, the next day, you smiled at her, after that day, she starts sitting with you guys…”

She’s so silly. I’m thinking, “Mom, I’M the one that plans out dates with the complications of an effort to free Hostages in a building with gunmen and bombs strapped to key foundations that hold it up.” She said, “Girls can be sneaky like that too.” I told her that I still think that I’m just getting REALLY lucky in this case. I guess here’s where I ask you people for input. I mean, I know girls can be sneaky, but usually they’re only sneaky when it comes to playing you like a drum, or keeping you around to boost their ego or something, THEN they stab and twist a dagger into your back. (I KNOW guys are the same way, so don’t get all defensive on me…) People…Love…women…men… Sometimes I think God suffers from temporary insanity…