“Hey Jenny, You haven't been yourself recently, are you doing Okay? I'm starting to get concerned…Can you call me after work? -Anthony-

“Don't talk to me. I don't want to talk to people who mouth off to me, besides, you're also way to clingy.”

“What did I say to upset you? I'm sorry”

~No reply~

~The Black Book~

Recently after a good chat with my friend Jonathan, as usual, he provides sound advice to dealing patiently with Jenny's inconsistency. Like I've said before, she's in a pinch and has 1000 irrelevant other troublings bothering her. Time is going very, very quickly. What used to be a whole semester has quickly vanished into a quarter and a half. All this time… where is it going?

It's equally taking its fast tole on me as well. I'm not used to being in relationships where happiness is the prime focus instead of drama. But what my good friend Jonathan told me is that I should consider opening her door to her drama and seeing if I'd be willing to help. I'd be more than willing to help, but deliberately opening someone's Pandora Box is way out of my character.

I always told myself that I'd love to be here for this girl, and I meant it. It just feels kind of awkward. The next time she has things troubling her, I'm going to ask what I can do instead of just letting her stew over it. If she snaps at me, than I will just remind her that I'm here and I only want to help. People can be terribly defensive when injured, and she is definitely a broken person.

It seems like only recently I've been enjoying my life, and I laugh and cry when I realize I have only been caught up in this for two and a half weeks. Sometimes it feels like they've just vanished into atmosphere, and yet sometimes the days feel like they're crawling at the speed of molasses rushing uphill on a cold January day. I often wonder why did I call her up that day and tell her that she needed to come back to school? If I would've just kept my mouth shut, my phone on it's hook, I wouldn't be caught up in all of this drama right now.

Then I remember that this is in fact the drama that people LIVE for, and it makes me want to smack them. I also look back and think, “What are you talking about?! These have been the best few weeks and days of your life!” They have been. I just don't want to loose her and I hope she doesn't take my concern the wrong way. I'm a good writer, but not much of a socailizer. Where is all this time going? Where is this relationship going? When school gets out, she's going to move in with her boyfriend. She is like a planet with two moons, and both of her moons are coming at her very, very rapidly.

I want to help her, I want to show her a love I know she hasn't seen, but to do so requires opening this portal to a hell that I haven't yet become comfortable in. Letting me into her hell isn't the most typical of things people usually do. I had forgotten just how crazy serious relationships could be… I'll be here for her, just like I have always been. I just hope she allows me to take that position. God, give me the courage to show her that she is not alone. I am her angel, and she is mine.

Today was very uneventful. As always, it was nice to see Jenny. It's been a real rollercoaster of things the last few days. It's really annoying! I really wish she'd make up her mind on what she wants. Its torture not knowing where is this is going to go now that this is in the air; especially since I'm the single one. The decision is what's the torture for her, the waiting is the torture on me.

Especially knowing that if she does choose him, it's not like she's going to just come up and tell me. I have been asked how do I KNOW she likes me if she's never told me. I just know. She's friendly with me when not in a bad mood, she wrestled me, she likes to watch me, and she flirts with me a lot. What's not to know? I hate it when she withdraws into her books, but I think it's her escape.

Just like blogging and journaling is my escape. I think that's her safe spot, her back door. One thing that is kind of odd, I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but she glances at me a lot. She used to just stare at me and watch and laugh as I cringed and wiggled because I hate being stared at, but at the same time it was fun watching her toy with me, if that makes any sense…

Now, she looks away more when I look at her. It's hard because I know that she likes me, and I know that I like her, but right now this knowledge isn't helping me an ounce. She has to make her choice; much like my mom has to choose to leave my dad. It's the same, but watered down scenario. I can't force her to choose now, and if I did, she'd more than likely choose him because I would come off as a pushy person.

People have noticed a change in me since things have gone well with this girl. A girl named Cassie in my culinary class told me as I was talking to Jenny that I looked so happy and innocent today. I know how you look happy, but how does one look innocent? Better yet, what did she mean by innocent?

It's just kind of odd, I feel like some dog that's followed someone home. It's like now she's sitting on the door step thinking, “Okay he hasn't left yet… what do I do?” Here I am doing everything within my power, doing all these little tricks in hope of not having the door slammed into face.

The worst part is I doubt anymore gain that would be worth mentioning won't happen until I ask her to that movie.

Recently, my mom has been in this wavering state of wanting to divorce my dad; something that I’ve been wanting to happen for a very long time. This weekend, my dad got on everyone’s nerves, and for a brief moment, I figured that the unbinding was in sight.

I talked to my mom in the car out at work and I asked her if it was what she really wanted to do. She replied almost instantly, “yes.” I then asked how much she would need to divorce him. She told me 300 dollars would be enough to file for divorce. I asked her more questions to make sure that separation was indeed what she wants. I then wrote her a check for three hundred dollars and put it into her hand.

She then backed out on me. She told me that she wanted to have enough money to get her share of the house, the land, and all that…shit that she still holds on to. I understand that she invested the greater portion of her life in this, material world that she surrounds herself in. she’s holding on to it far too tightly. It’s land mom, it’s compost. Dead animals, poop, organic matter…it’s just junk.

Financially, I know she’d be getting screwed over, but she’s not happy. I’m not happy. What material wealth is worth the pain of living there? I’m leaving when I graduate. I’m not going to have half the crap I had there, but I will be much happier. I once joked that my friends would call me and ask me how the apartment was. I’d reply, “The carpet’s stained, we have roaches, the neighbors are skanky and loud, I live off microwave food… I LOVE IT!”

I don’t understand how material could be so valuable that she would play the game and wait YEARS of saving money just to make sure she got out nice and cushy. Me, I’m jumping out of my house onto a concrete patio, I’m sure I’ll probably scratch up my knees and get banged up a little, but nothing worse than I ever experienced psychologically.

So, I ended up shredding the check. We went back and forth for a while. I wanted to help my mom, but she doesn’t help herself. I don’t want to leave and watch her live a self-defeating lifestyle, but she’s stuck in a fairy tale, and it’s not a very happy one. I don’t want to take my children to meet these people. I don’t even know if I want to take my wife to see them. There is so much pain wrapped up into this house, this group of people…

I’d feel better about myself leaving them in the care of a pack of two-year-olds. That’s what my parents and family is; a pack of living, walking, pottying two-year-olds. I want to see life improve for my family, but at the same time, when I’m looking back at these people ten years from now, it would give me a sense of accomplishment knowing that I broke the tradition, I broke the prison, I broke the standards and limits that they put on me.

Why does she cling to things that don’t matter? I tried to help her out, but I can’t wait for her forever.

This weekend was a good one. I spent time working; I lived like a normal person. My dad really pissed me off this weekend. He wants to spend all this time with me and I'm thinking, “Dad, you're not really good at this, I don't like you concept, are you?” It's a long story to fully explain exactly what I feel about my dad, but I'm in a happy place so I'll leave that behind.

Sunday, I'm starting to feel bad about skipping the church service to talk to my friend Jonathan about random crap that really doesn't matter, but He's such a good person to talk to. I leave my personal issues at the door when I work. Even if I did form a trustee and tell him about my life, he'd probably tell me the solution to all my problems would be to screw her socks off and not give a rat's ass about the people that may get pulled in or caught in the crossfire. Is the solution to all of life's difficulty really a good fuck?

My mom and I don't see each other very much, but even I really did talk to her about the situation, she'd get going about some crap at work or funny thing that happened in church. (This in reality wasn't even that funny to begin with.) Work and Church, that's all my mom is anymore. I have come to believe that's all that is left. Regardless, I do not condemn or mock her. She has her backdoors, I have mine.

I wouldn't talk to my dad about her if he was the last role-model on the face of the earth. He wouldn't understand any of it at all. He's one of those People that loves the outside of women, but couldn't care less about the inner being. If he saw half the stuff she carried with her, he'd try to tell me she isn't worth it. Then, if he did come to accept her, he'd probably have wet dreams about her.

So that leaves my best friend, Jonathan. Any other time, I carry it alone. I showed a picture of her to an acquaintance at work and briefly described the situation to him. He asked me, “What was the thing that I like the most about her.” This threw me out, and at the time, I really had no idea what I liked the most about her. That's like asking, what's the best use for gold. “There are so many uses and that is the very reason that it is precious.” That is what my little Jenny is to me.

I now know what it is about her that I like. She is a survivor. She is enchanting. I see more deeply into her than what people could imagine. I know things about her that not even she has discovered yet. Fire has made her beautiful. The same fire that almost destroyed me has turned her into something that I find captivating.

She's like both extremes; hard as lightning, but soft as candle light. She's facing a big trial and choice in her life. that choice involves either me of him. She doesn't know what she wants because I have been very transparent with her. My dark armor was easily pierced. Likewise, I have easily pierced her callousness.

Now is where I have been forced to wait. I can't force her to make a hasty decision. She deserves to be given time on this. My biggest problem is that I'm not sure what I can to encourage her to choose me. People tell me, just wait for her, it'll be fine. I wait and wait only to learn that I had lost out my chance. It happens all the time. Because I waited, I lost my chance.

Then, people tell me to be suave, be sexy. Flirt tease and then do some more. be outgoing, sweep her off her feet. I tried that too, and for whatever reason, it didn't work. Both options, as you have seen have been equally ineffective. So what do I do now? I guess one of the hardest things about me is that I'd rather do it the story way then just let it slowly slip away. I'd rather have the climax and the massive battle at the end and loose then to just have it drift away.

I'd be one of those people that would rather die with massive injuries and gun in hand then to simply give up. If I just let this go, I am risking my little dreamboat to be carried away by the treacherous sea. I don't want to loose this girl, and she doesn't want to loose me. But she also doesn't want to loose the security she has in this one guy.

Monday is going to be interesting. I know that she's been under a lot of stress, I know she didn't do it, so I did a chapter outline FOR her. I did it all nice and fancy too. Signed her name to the header and printed it out. How awkwardly transparent of you, Anthony. I don't know why I did this for her, but it gave me the most blissful of feeling doing it for her.

I don't know why I'm such a pleaser. I don't know why I bend over backwards for people that I like. My best guess is my whole life, I've never been enough for anyone. ANYONE. I want to be thanked I want to be appreciated. I know me doing that outline for her was a cheesy, dorky, not to mention cheating thing to do, but I know that Jenny knows that I do it because I like her and she has sincerely thanked me for things I have done.

I love her, my little black book, I really do love her.