Well, my fellow Bloggers, Jenny Finally warmed back up to me. Not a whole lot, but enough. I want to maintain our friendship. I don’t mind not being with her, I just didn’t want to loose what we had going. THAT was what I was afraid of. My window is open, and narrow daylight breaks through the curtains. A sigh of relief inters my heart, my mind stops throbbing, and a subtle peace comes back into my world.

We wrote by note again in my Government class. We just kind of chatted. Name-dropped, that was it. She, like me wants to leave this town, for the same reasons as well. There is nothing but pain here. My mood rose as we talked, nothing was being done to reel me in though. I shouldn’t expect that though. I really don’t understand certain aspects of her. She knows I’m single, she knows I like her, she flirts me all the time and I back, and she seemingly doesn’t expect a reaction?

She then told me that her plans for the weekend were to work and hang out with her boyfriend. (Reality checks can feel like curb-checks.) OUCH. Anyway, I’m not going to worry about it, I just wanted to talk to the Jenny that I know and love, not the Jenny that treated me like cold fish there for a while. I can’t wait to see her again today. I’m glad that things have entered a temporary state of normality.

Dear God,

As you know, things down here in my little world aren't going so great. I admit, I misplaced trust in you every since things went a little sour. Since then, I've been making my own money, I've been taking my own advice, I've been marching to my own beat, and sure enough, I don't know if this is going to work out.

You know I love Jenny. You know how I've seen into her, and you know how I've been longing for her. You know that she's been the sun of my world for a very, very long time. Every since I walked in and saw her again, I've taken to her like a duck to water. I've been steering this thing for while, and for the second day in a row, Jenny is offish, maybe even threatening to secede as a possibility.

I admit, coming to you asking for your help and guidance to let me keep an idol is foolish to the human nature. That would be like me Asking Santa if he'd replace himself with a thinner, better-looking symbol of Christmas. I ask for your favor in letting me keep something that threatens to die in my hands.

Did you know, God what I read January 18, 2006? In Springfield Massachusetts, An eleven-year-old girl named Haleigh Avrett that had been beaten into coma by her adoptive parents; has had her feeding tube removed. She had been given to these adoptive parents because her mother, Allison Avrett left her in the “Care” of her murderers, Jason and Holli Strickland. Her mother left her with these people to move away with her boyfriend.

Why is it that these people are allowed to procreate, kill, pillage, destroy, and are left unchecked and unaccounted for? Why do people like Allison, Jason, and Holli find love so easily and in return trash the lives of others and destroy what they've got, and yet I am left humbly praying, BEGGING for the death of the possibility of loosing Jenny? Why must my love threaten to become stillborn, when some people live to kill, when some people love to hate, when some people rear to destroy?

When will it be my turn? What price must I pay? What manner of hell do I have to conquer to achieve the prize? No cost is too great! You've put the will for real love within me, you let all hope dissolve. Is this some kind of joke? Is this some kind of mocking? Are you Laughing? Is anyone besides you laughing? Do those names ring a bell, are you crying beside me? Are you over the killing floor called Haleigh Avert's bed?

What did they do? Tell me, and I will do it; give me a map, and I will search the world for my love. Give me a baseball bat and flintlock pistol to destroy every gang in America and I will do it, or die trying! What did they do? What in your name did they do to deserve their prize? What sin have I committed that seeming damns any hope for love?

Is it because I joked with her? Is it because I said that she brought “it” up? Was it because I enjoyed every minute of being throttled to the ground? Was it because I liked it when she struck me in the Butt with a spoon? Who HASN'T been there? I saw a girl today in art. Normally, she has people chucking paper wads down her shirt all hour. Today she wore a huddie and was treated like she wasn't even there!

Is me swooning over a girl no matter how she's dressed not worse than people doing ridiculous things and giving her acknowledgment for it if she dresses to please? Where you over that bed that she bleeds? Were you in the house as she was being beaten? Are you here with me now as my head threatens to go into a quasar within my scull?

Jenny is in pain, I can offer her something to take it away. I can lead her to YOU, but please don't make me give her up. Please don't leave me in the abyss; please don't leave her in the desert. She is in agony, and I want to bring her into a new form of life and love that she has never seen nor felt before.

You are an understanding god, and I know that my outcry has not brought anger into your heart. When Job called out you answered, no, you RANTED. I've read that book all the way through, and many times it has served as a source of comfort. I question your will knowing that you merciful and mighty. I do not understand your ways, but know that I am only questioning you only because I know and admit that the knowledge within me is vain. You are my counselor, you are my guide, nothing I can say will hurt your heart, your breath could crush me.

Please know and understand that I only want to live the life that people were supposed to live. A life of love, commitment, and honesty. Please do not take your daughter Jenny from me. I love her in a way that you can understand. I can only see so far, but you see the picture. Please make her part of mine, or at least continue to allow me to use this window until I leave my parents.

Your Faithful Servant,
Anthony Audin Casimire

Hello my Fellow Bloggers! Today was a tossup day on how it went. I just don't get it. This morning, everything was going fine; we flirted, much remained as usual. Then, I made the mistake this afternoon. I'm not really sure what was going on within her. We were in this boring assembly, and we sat by each other and were talking. Out of respect for the speaker, I pulled out paper and we did further conversation on it. In a roundabout way, I asked her if we could hang out on one of her off days if we ever got corresponding ones.

The rest of the day was spent with her remaining awkwardly quiet and absorbed into a book. I tried to make conversation with her four times, nothing about dating or going out or any of that crap, just the normal conversations. After the fourth time I went un-reacted to, I gave up and laid my head down and slept and brainstormed as my outward appearance looked like I was napping. I just hope I didn't screw this one up.

She wrote back on the sheet of paper, practically the last thing she communicated with me today was the word, “Maybe.” So, I have once again entered into tailspin. So many good things have happened between us, why does the awkward silence seem to cancel everything out? I walked with her to her computer lab class, trying to strike up conversation, but that still didn't work. She still had her nose caught in the book.

Silence can mean so many things. When I am truly pondering, I am silent. Was she absorbing me in, or just thinking, “Holy crap, how did I get this mutt to follow me home?” I know that the book was a new release, but if you put an X-Box 360 with Halo Three in front in one hand, and then a girl that was genuinely interested in conversation with me, in the other, I'd drop the game system like a hot potato.

Maybe I worry too much, maybe I analyze too much. Maybe I just need to get a fucking life. All I know was that before I mad the mistake, (Which I KNOW it was.) of stepping out, things were okay. I hope tomorrow, she will just pretend like nothing was ever said.

I got her picture and plan to post it Saturday, using the public library. Saturday Afternoon, look for her picture. We also had a series of jokes that would take forever to blog, but screw it; I'll put it up anyway. She was staring at me because it makes me cringe and go fetal. I love it when she does it, but I pretend I don't because for that reason she does it all the more. I'll stare back into her eyes until I finally remind myself, “Oh yeah, time to go fetal.”

She said that I reminded her of a lizard. The other girl said, “How's that; because he blends in with his surroundings?” They then said, “I don't know, but lizards are cool because they have detachable tails.” I looked behind me and said, “Well I don't have a tail.” She said, “I'm sure you have one SOMWHERE.” I looked at her looked down, smiled and said, “Yeah, it just grows in a different direction.” She started laughing and said, “Let's see if it comes off. Do you think it Will it grow back?” I turned my lap away from her and said, “You keep away from my tail, I don't want you trying to pull it off!” Then the other girl said, “Come on guys, I don't want to hear any more about his penis!” Without thinking, (And yet somehow this sounded intentional) I said, “Well, Jenny's the one that brought it up!” I suddenly heard myself too late and said, “Oh my God! That was wrong on so many levels!” Regrettably, usually, she waits for me so we can walk down the hall together until we have to separate, but she blitzed out of that hour today, I hope that she didn't take the wrong way.

Again, I'm not sure what my problem is, if there was any problem at all. It seems like she likes me so much, and I've NEVER had a girl flirt with me like this…Why would she do that if there was no interest? Why would she knock me around when she knows I like it, if there was nothing there? She herself said to her friend that I always come back for more, and it's the truth. I had to tell her. I couldn't keep her waiting, I couldn't contain it myself. Those who run seem to have all the fun. I didn't want to be too late.

Surprisingly, nothing about today was the start of anything new, at least as far as I can tell. We always flirt like that and have fun, I'm just not sure why it was cut short, but tomorrow I will approach her like the friend that I am, and go back to just not worrying about it. I love my little Jenny, I'm sure everything will work out fine.

As I wrote in my last blog, I'm planning on asking Jenny if there's a movie that she hasn't seen that she would like to see. Originally, I had wanted to see American Dreamz, but that doesn't come out until April. I'm not waiting that long, for everyone who reads this sake, but mostly for my own.

Its kind of Ironic. Usually it's taken a very long time for me to be able to contain my affection. With Katie, it was finally starting to crash at five years and four months. With another girl I used to ride on the bus with, it was two years. Ironically enough, that girl is actually sitting next to me right now. Why so long, Anthony? I'm not sure. I've always had a cautious, analytical outlook on things. My mind can easily send me spiraling.

Reading this, you probably have seen moments when I appear to be Bi-polar, maybe I am, maybe I'm not, but that's not remotely of concern at this moment. Obviously, there has been a lot of hurt that has not fully recovered. Jenny Has been like Hydrogen peroxide. She's a cool relief to the burning of my wounds and a slayer of Regret. She's cleaned these wounds, but now, Its bandage time. Will the band aid stick, or have I again been chasing rabbits; People that really couldn't care less?

My confidence wavers this way and that. In between her attempted throttling of me, and the bitter reminder that she's been with this guy for quite some time, as well as the fact that if you look at the past records, I could calculate a chance of success, but I wouldn't like it. Anyway, Today is the day not when I tell her directly how I feel, but inviting her to a movie is a good pointer, not that it isn't obvious enough already; but it will answer my question…Will this work out.

The question of if has been a yes. The Question of could, has been a yes. The question of May has been a yes. Now the most important question is WILL this work out. It has potential. It's like this thing is a snowball and is on the top of the hill. We've made this snowball, but one of us isn't strong enough to launch it down the hill. I'm pushing at it, but will she join me? If she helps me roll this thing, I'm sure it would build up enough momentum to crush most of our burdens at the bottom of this hill called “Life”

Taking a leap of faith and praying that I don't get Impaled, that is the story of Anthony Casimire. This fire, this warmth that I feel inside, it's been so nice to get close to but I must be careful, a good fire can still burn. I don't know what this will bring, but whatever this day brings, I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.

Tonight was not a good night for me. I've been chasing so many Rabbits around and my mind is about to explode within my skull. I feel Stillborn, but still alive. I agreed to work very, very much later than my schedule called for hoping that the work required of me would silence my mind's screaming.

This was one of those days where I would've been better off just staying at my house. It showed that things were wrong, it showed horribly. I failed my driving test for the second time, yes; I'm still bound to my parent's pulling me about. I just want to get away so badly. I wanted to be able to take Jenny out. Nothing went right today.

My cigarette did little more than make me dizzy. I got to meet one of Jenny's friends. He seemed terribly familiar, but I'm not sure why. She acted differently around him. I know that he was not this boyfriend of hers, but he indeed knew of him. She talked with him quite a bit and they went for pizza after school. I had to leave because I can't drive.

I wanted so badly to be with her. He, I couldn't care less about. Living in this dream was once comforting. I now desire more. I have to let her know, and I mean to by 10:15am tomorrow morning. The longing for the dream has become agony. I can't contain it. I may not be able to pick her up and take her to dinner and a movie, but by God, I'm going to ask her to the movie.

Chris has decided to try to 'help' me. I'm not sure about his real intentions, but he mad mention that he had a class with her sister, and then asked if her sister had said anything interesting. What he doesn't realize is that her sister couldn't care less because there is nothing but biology in their relations. People around me have asked me how it's going.

Normal, that's how it's going…What the fuck am I supposed to do, go running at her, strip off my outer layer and hope for the best? I've done that so much, and the funny thing that people don't realize is that nobody cares. I'm hoping that when I ask her to see a movie with me, she takes it all offensively. I hope she questions me and in that way, I can give her the answers that I've been wanting to speak.

An issue… that's what it will bring. I don't want to disrupt the flow of our friendship by suggesting that I am in fact a person. This little organ inside me that I like to call heart has bled bitterly in attempt to be held. Every time I take this step, a metaphor is taken as literally. As if I sliced my chest and handed her the leaky organ.

You people that read my blog know what I feel. How do you put that into words? How do you put that into sense? I'm so sick of being alone. Tomorrow, I will reveal it. I'm Ten hours from that time. I should probably be sleeping now, but even if I did lie down, no rest would come to my eyes. No Sleep would come to my eyes.

Holding it in has for long been my source of warmth. Now, it becomes a burning, discomforting flame. Taking off my cloak will not be easy, but it will either bring much joy or sadness. Either that, or she won't admit her suspicion of my affection, and I will once again be chasing rabbits, and hitting a window. Wish me luck; I could really use this pick-me-up.

I'm just tired of being though of as this “Good-ole-boy” I had a coworker said that I was a “Good church kid,” and I took it as an exceptionally large insult. I just said, “Don't call me that.” Chastity has brought me nothing. Look at me! Am I happy? Do I look Happy? Do I SOUND FUCKING HAPPY?” My life is passing me by so quickly that it sickens me!!! It pisses me off beyond belief.

NOTHING has come to me from my abstaining from what I have! I'd rather be some pot-head on probation with the BIGGEST concern on my mind was, “How am I going to get to my next thrill?” I HATE being Anthony Casimire. I'd rather die a fool than see the end of these ages. I smoked, YAY Scratch twenty seconds of my life away! That's okay! I'd probably be wiping my ass during that time frame anyway, or sitting in a bar thinking, “Where did I go wrong? What was my mistake? How the fuck did I end up here?”

What's so good about being good? What do I get; a label that I'm 'no fun' and a little gold star in the afterlife? Whoopdy-fucking-doo!!! I hate that title, how do I earn it? I tell my manager about how I want to wait for marriage before I have sex, when we're talking on break and asks me about Jenny; and that automatically makes me some clean machine?

I'm not some kind of castrated dogma dweller! I'm imperfect, I'm human, I'm a person, and there's more to me than a set of rules and a religion! There's more to me than this…Smallish innocent appearance. I'm not this “Flanders” like guy on the Simpsons. I never have been and I never will be. I want to get down and dirty and be just the animal that everyone else gets away with being! The only different thing between me and all these people that enjoy their life is that they have the opportunity that I've gotten once or twice.

It's not because I'm a good church boy that I didn't fuck her, it was because I wanted something real. I don't want this materialistic relationship. I want something deeper. I want something sincere. And I don't want to risk all the sick possible outcomes. THAT is why I didn't take my chance when I got it. Because I knew that if something went wrong it would hurt her, hurt me, and hurt my future relationship!

What if this thing with Jenny lands in the mud? Then what? Oh shit…sucks to be you! I'm lonely, I'm tired, and I'm sick of being that way. Nothing ever has or ever will come out of it! I want this thing to work out with Jenny. I want it to so badly. I will try to keep you informed during the day, but my schedule is so busy.