Hello, my fellow readers and writers. I have a post on my computer, but I forgot my CD at home. I’ll have a friend post it for me this evening. Nothing much gong on today, so I’m going to catch up on my reading.

I just can’t help myself but to express the things that have been flying through my mind. The night after I wrote, “Nothing to Lose but My Mind and All the Things I Wanted” I did what I want to do now, and that is dance. If my town hand a Rave/techno club, I would go there in a heartbeat.

I’m not sure if this is a normal “Guy” thing, but I LOVE to dance. I’m good at it, but I wouldn’t get caught dead doing it by myself if there were spectators. When I’m alone and in a crowd with lights and loud music, I just can’t help myself. I think I would enjoy ball-like dancing, but I’ve never gotten the chance to do that.

The problem is that the closest thing this town has to a good floor of that sort is the two Dance Dance Revolution machines we have at the arcade in the mall. The rests are either strip joints or rap clubs. Anywhere else, the gonorrhea is probably so thick that you could paint the walls with it.

That is what I meant by when I said, “Never party with Christians.” It’s not that I don’t like them, but if you had football and dancing on my scale, football would’ve been thrown into another state when the counter-weight found its way onto my scale.

Another funny thing that I found enjoyable today was Jenny adjusted my Leo necklace today because the chain link was down by the Leo charm. She adjusted it for me. I LOVE it when girl has her hands near my neck! I feel like I’m living in dream, and she doesn’t even KNOW how I feel. She has ideas, alright, but she doesn’t know.

It’s like the first hill on the rollercoaster. Work was hell today, but thanks to this blog, I have significantly improved my mood. I still haven’t got her picture. I’m going to have to start being annoying about it! Standing here and overlooking this great treasure before brings all sorts of emotion to my mind.

Part of its sadness; because I haven’t shown her the extent of how I feel yet. The other is happiness that comes with the Joy of chasing and being chased. I really think that the movie will do good for us. It’s a big step on my part, it will give her a chance to relax, it will be funny to us both, it will brighten the neon sign above my head that reads, “Crazy for you”

If she comes with me, I’ll take her there to a world she has never seen. The land of Reverie that she helped build within my mind.

I guess that it’s time that I explain a little more about me than my struggles, my pasts, and my dreams. Sure, the climatic thing going on in my life is obviously centered on Jenny, but I’m going to tell you some of my goals, and then more about Jenny, as well as my day.

I want to go to Sullivan University in Kentucky. I have friends that live within fifteen minutes of the university, and his parents told me that if I wanted to, I could live with them and pay a small amount of rent. (Much lower than a dorm) as well as buy my own food. It’s a school centered on culinary education, and as you know, (I think you do) my eventual goal is to open a Pool and Jazz bar.

Not anything sports-centered, just a social spot. I literally want people to come here and/to meet people. Were things are based on the wonderful game of pool with the Jazzy mood that only True Blue Jazz can provide. But needless to say, even if I do get all the financial aid, I know that things are going to be on a tight budget. So Entrepreneurship will not likely be a goal within two years of graduation of college.

I’m going to remain in this town for a year after I get out of high school. By May of 07, if this town has brought me nothing, than I’m Kentucky and Education bound. I’m moving out with a friend and brother of mine, and we’re going to split the costs of owning an apartment. I’m taking the break because it’s imperative that I get the hell out of my house. I know my parents could help me get into college, but my sanity and independence is worth far more to me than their support.

I’m not sure what his reasons for staying behind are. He knows my situation and much more about me than any of you do, so he might be doing it for me, because he could easily slip into a really nice school really quickly with the head he has on his shoulders. Regardless, we’re going to be roomies for no more than a full year.

I’m waiting to make sure that there is nothing left for me in this town before I leave. Because once I leave this town, I have no intention of ever coming back. I’m waiting to see what happens with Jenny or any other wonderful girl that my cross my path. I’m hoping things go well with Jenny.

I’m still going to pursue my education, but the thing is about opening your own business is that education has very limited effect on success or failure. Sullivan is great, fifth culinary school in the United States to be exact. But all that won’t mean shit if my business goes belly up. Professors don’t keep you in business, customers do.

Anyway, I’m going to go into business, and if that doesn’t work out, than I’m going to end up working for someone else. Hopefully, somewhere along the line, if I don’t end up with a girl from here, or college, I’ll find one somewhere along the line. These things really can’t be planned. Love has a habit of sneaking up on you when you least expect it. That is one of the many things that Jenny has successfully taught me. Others had tried to explain it to me, but she made me learn.

I’m still going to leave for Kentucky May of 07, weather I’m single, or have just ran into her, unless there is something amazing about her that I cannot risk loosing, I will still leave on time. I will not delay for very long. In my heart, I know that I hope that Jenny will come with me, but only time can tell on that one.

I do not plan on getting married until I graduate. College debt, expenses, marriage itself is expensive, affording a decent place to live… It can really put a lot of pressure on people, and isn’t good for the couple. I don’t know where things are going, or how they’re going to get there, but I do not care to ask, nor think about it much. These last two weeks have been like a reviving touch to my heart and mind, and I wouldn’t jeopardize that on foolish rhetorical questions for anything, ANYTHING.

Anyway, Jenny and I walked together from lunch to our culinary hours and then from there, to her night school class that she has to take to graduate. It felt so good, and we walked so close. We where practically touching shoulders; and I could write pages on how good it made me feel! The whole time she watched my eyes so intently…I know what wind ravages the mind behind those pretty little eyes…Like she has shown me something new, I have indeed showed her something new.

It’s kind of funny because I’m five feet two inches, when wearing boots. She’s five foot tall. It’s kind of nice having a girl that’s about my height. The time we walked to our class together was beautiful. I was walking ahead of her unknowingly and she called out from like a hundred and fifty feet. I turned and immediately recognized her, and then I started back-tracking. Going back for her…she liked that…she really did. I didn’t just wait, but I went back for her.

I have decided that when the Movie Dreamz comes to my town, I’m going to take a day off on a day that she’s off, and we’re going to watch the movie. It’s got to be funny; it makes fun of the President AND American Idol. That automatically gives it three stars in my book. Jenny could use the night off. She could use a mini vacation. I wish I could tell you more about her, but she discussed some things with me in confidence, and I swore to her not to say anything, so I’m not going to.

She could use a chance to forget about her life, forget her problems, School, money, and family… She just needs to relax, and maybe be in the presents of a guy whom asks nothing of her. It’ll just be embarrassing that I can’t drive, so I’ll have to meet her there.

Well, Hello all my blogging friends. I bashed my head into the wall for a good time last night. I was venting pent-up things when I wrote it. I’m happy to say that Jenny and I were laughing and joking by a note in class. Eventually, the note got around to me asking her where she sat and she said that I could eat with her and told me where she sat. So, in about 45 minutes, I’ll begin my afternoon of giddiness.

Things are going well. I write most of my blogs at home, save them to a CD and then post them on the school computer. That’s why my articles pile up a lot.

“That afternoon, a young man trudged across his school's ground. The sound of his boots striking the cold-hardened ground were barely audible but to him and him alone. Other students nestled within their coats, but the young man walked as if nothing were wrong. His face was downcast and the icy wind blew his hair about and stung his eyes.

He paid the wind little heed, for the tempest in his mind was the source of his discomfort. His chilled breath flew from his mouth like that of a cigarette, and the man walked towards the parking lot, contemplating loosing what he'd never even had in the first place. While the weather slowed the traveling of others, he walked, unaltered and unwavering in the snow of the month.

While others cuffed their hands in attempt to hold in their warmth, the lone walker was begging for his not to be taken from him. The wind blew harder, sending the tail of the Jacket whipping in the breeze. He looked up the hill and to his bittersweet remorse; he saw his love climbing into her car. She looked at him briefly, briefly enough to keep the tempest going. With the same expression as his, and with the same stance, she climbed in.

He paused knowing that he had been seen. He continued with his head downcasts, into the wind and snow that so erosive to others, but so discreet and irrelevant to him. He went home to ponder the events of the day. In a town in South West Missouri it was snowing, but in the mind of Anthony Casimire, it was raining.”

~The Black Book~

I must admit, recently, I've been bubbly about the oncoming success with Jenny, but towards the end of the day, upon reading some of my writings, this threw Jenny about a bit, which in turn, did the same to me. She read my writings and liked two of them. (Two out of three isn't bad!) Equally, she did notice that they were stuffed with underlining metaphors in them.

I regret and rejoice to say that they really did a number on her. She liked them a lot. One was comedy based, but had a lot of love's simple truths. This was her favorite. She said that I had talent, but fell into a deep stupor. She, after conversation died down between us, stared at the same page of the book she was reading for the rest of the class period. Her eyes never moved I know because I watched them.

She was riddled. Luckily before this awkward period of silence, we had our fun. I threw and apron at her and she splashed me with water. (Later; as soon as I came out of my own trance; I noticed because it really did snow today.) I got her some water; she gave me the rest of her Dr. Pepper. She tickled me; I pushed her into the wall. (I know I have a warped idea of romance…)

My stories, my poems she read… I write them and I write about love all the time because it's became my dream, my motivation so to speak. However, it's never proven to be a lengthy visitor. The loneliness is like having to eat a meal that you've made. It's always better when someone else makes it for you. That is why I write, and through those poems, she's seen it. She knows that I want love, and she knows how I see it.

She's a pretty bright little girl; she's knocked out novels in my class when we don't do anything. That is why I know her mind was racing and for whatever reason, she evaded conversation at all costs. People aren't used to seeing others without their armor. I suppose I should stop stripping it in front of people, I chase off more people and end more conversations that way.

By all means, I don't think that today's chat was ended because of negative reasons, but it was ended, nonetheless. Was she contemplating on how to shake me, or was she the first that saw the real Anthony Casimire and had no idea what to think? All I know is that the time is coming quickly to officially reveal what's been going through my mind, and I have no idea why or how I'm going to do it.

This tugging, this urge, this thing called love… Whatever you want to call it…It doesn't…I'm terrified to reveal this to her, TERRIFIED, Physically, mentally, and emotionally TERRIFIED. Every time I have revealed my affection, it's blown up in my face. Like my love is a ball of pure potassium and revealing it is like pouring the whole damn package into the water. I was told to “Back Off” simply for telling a girl that her modest beauty amazed me and that I wanted to take her to a prom.

I could give you more examples, but I will not, only because it demoralizes me and scares the living hell out of and then back into me. I find myself drawing closer to the flame like a moth would, only to be burnt and it's happened again and again and again. Burns take forever to heal, and leave lasting, showing marks. Jenny too has been burned many times. I've enjoyed all this goofing around, this playing, this flirting, this very childish form of love, and once again, I find myself having a reason, a will, and a desire to wake up again in the morning.

I don't want to loose that. Even if this is all I ever have, it will be SOMETHING. I could have much more, if things happened that way, but at what costs? At what odds, at what gamble and what Chances. Is a bird in the bush not better than no birds at all? I know that people say that love is about chances and chances must be taken, but all the time you here of girls searching for their “Prince” what do you tell the Prince that asks the girl, but she doesn't dance with him.

We all know that Cinderella went to the ball in a magical gown and carriage, but what about the prince that threw the ball that nobody ever bothered to come to? Is a bird in the bush not better than none at all? What can possibly come of this? What thoughts went through Jenny's mind? What manner of hell am I running for?

How heavy will the next bag of bricks be? How hard will the next window pane be?

In the wake of my success, I feel rain. She feels it too, no doubt. We both like each other, I have no doubt about that; but each rejection makes my wound deeper, my skin thicker, and my heart thinner. I saw a funny thing on a blog that compared rejection to composts, “It stinks, but it makes you grow.” I feel ancient though. I feel like I've lived four lives before my own. I want to be a kid again, and I want to keep playing with Jenny.

I don't mean throw off my responsibilities and live with my parents the rest of my life, I'd rather die by castration than that. But I want someone to bring me back to life. I don't mean religiously, I mean emotionally. I just don't think I could deal with or take that kind of rejection.


My head is spinning, and no wall is hard enough to provide a “Bashing cure.” I know that the time will come, and I'm hating to postpone this, but I know I must. I like her a lot and she likes me, but right now I'm enjoying what I've got too much to gamble it by seeking more. I'm thinking about inviting her to a movie or something. Right now, we are enjoying the chase phase, and both of us take turns as well as keep close enough to avoid losing the other. This is not a coincidence.

I'm having fun, I do not seek to make things serious. The shallow end of the love pool is good enough for me, but I am wading out. I'm scared though, I do not want to loose this girl, she is precious to me. She's made me feel things that I haven't felt before. She's given me confidence to do things I've never done before. She's given me motivation to keep trying and not go out. Getting the fire's warmth without getting burnt…such a difficult concept for an ignorant fly like me.